僕に分けて 本当の笑顔見せて
The feeling that you are suffocating underneath school, family, friendship, life, mainly. You think back to the past when you were just a
stupid little kid living in a terrifyingly huge world, and can’t help but wish you cherished that life more.
Now you’re just a shell of skin, of organs, of a brain that is used for nothing more than maths equations and talking and thinking useless
things. You’re nothing like before.
I feel like that apart from good scores in tests or teacher’s likings, there’s actually nothing I have. Nothing I deserve. Honestly don’t even
deserve the good grades. I can’t even maintain a healthy friendship, I can’t even trust my family and they can’t even trust me. Everything seems
worthless around me and I actually don’t know what to do.
I just feel helpless.
あの日語った未来予想図どおり story
I once dreamed of walking through the Caulfield Wheeler’s Hill corriders, through Senior School, proud to be part of Year 7 with actual friends,
with something actually worth staying for. But that dream has been crushed and now I wonder why I didn’t fight to keep that delusion. I imagined
lining up for canteen with my friends, getting the same lunch everyday, going to concerts with Lily, matching on casual clothes day, and now I think
back, I wonder how happy I could’ve been, how I just threw that away because I thought I was good enough to fit in at a new school, make new friends,
but it’s not that easy.
Adults just don’t understand how hard it is to fit in, especially in middle school, where everyone has already formed their little groups. The new
students are the ones left behind, the ones forced to band together.
Now I have nothing. No actual friends, friends that are actually ‘approved’ by my parents, but can’t they just understand how hard it is to make
friends in this era.
All this drama between us and a person I never want to mention every again, I never want to lay eyes on her again, it just disgusts me how she could
easily make a rumour about us, make the principal call our parents, ruin my life over and over again.
I hate Carey. I hate every aspect of it. Most teachers, the students, the things we learn, which is practically nothing, and if you see this, Carey,
know that I can count hundreds of schools that are better in every single way. Academics, sport, music. I would rather go to any other school.
But because this school ruined my life. Broke it and stepped on it. Although I try, I know I’ll never be the old me again. Just because of this.
skipping grades as well. Why can’t you just respect my choice? My life? I know parents are actually right most of the time, and even if my life
will be so much better because of this, I don’t really care. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I experience mistakes and casual life? Why does
everything in my life have to be about challenges and racing against time? It’s your fault to gave birth to me. Why destroy my life to fix a mistake
you made? You already shattered my dreams once. Twice. This is the third time, not counting the numerous lies and broken promises.
Why is my life always about change? I don’t want to change. I’ve changed too many times. I changed just to meet your expectations, just to please you,
hoping you’ll trust me more or be proud, but after that moment of happiness, you just expect more of me.
Why do you have to always be so controlling? Control what games I play, control what I should do, control who I’m friends with. Stop saying you’re
trying to help me. You might be, but you’re definetly not helping. I just want an actual childhood, like everyone else.
You asked me before, why didn’t I tell you earlier about not wanting to skip grades? I did. Did you listen? Now you go blaming me.
You say I’m selfish, but you never asked for my opinions either. You always find a way to blame someone else for your mistakes, just like the person
at school I never want to see again.
I’m just too tired.
Sometimes I just want to give up. I know I shouldn’t, and there must be something I need to fight for, but it’s too hard to come up with an excuse that
will eventually be a lost cause.
悔しくてどうしようもない時
いつも僕の代わりに泣いてくれる